I’m so full I could puke a horse
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[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I have questions??
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Oh we’ve met.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.