A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
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son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
i meant to share this earlier
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.