Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
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“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
happy mother’s day❤️
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.