*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
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Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
pls suprot
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.