@panmidwest

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

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@sara_ashlynn

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

@joshcomers

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

@sarcasticmommy4

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

@jackiembouvier

I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.

@shutupmikeginn

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

@HansGrubertron

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

@ItsAndyRyan

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

@NYC_Blonde

Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?

@ObscureGent

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.