“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
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When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Sing it!
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!