Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
You Might Also Like
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.