Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
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DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
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*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit