love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
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Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
the #horror is real!
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.