FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
man i love columbo
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see