When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
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*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.