When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
![]()
You Might Also Like
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“![]()
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
This sounds bad:
![]()
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…