*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”