Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job