6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
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[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Every photo I’m tagged in
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.