I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
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3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
The Birdles
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.