3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
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Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.