If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber