Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
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[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit