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✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
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if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?