I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
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[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
A woman drives into a bar.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
*praying for world peace*
God:
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.