Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
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If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I’ve had relationships like this
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.