All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
he’s sick of your bullshit today
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Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”