All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Important reminders
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.