Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
this came to me in a vision
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828