Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
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My birth announcement for our third baby
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.