I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
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You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
as is their right
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.