The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
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Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
j o i m p
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Left at a local drug store…
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.