A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
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[eulogy]
line?
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Good morning
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*