Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
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GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!