[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
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remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.