Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
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When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.