Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread![]()
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If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive![]()
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?