Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
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Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
what are they serving at kfc then???
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
How wrong was this guy?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit