Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
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4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it