I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
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Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
you gotta be faster
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I self medicate, therefore you live.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
That’s no pocket rocket.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion