You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
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Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
My therapist after every session
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’