boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.