My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
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“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
pictures of spider-man
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider