At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
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Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Monday?
No. Next question.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.