Monday?
No. Next question.
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.