me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
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me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.