stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
You Might Also Like
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.