Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
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boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse