Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
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“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.