Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I already tried new things thanks.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Planet of the Apps.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head