kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.