I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
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Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Mhm.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Had to try this trend 😊
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.