Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
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My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.