I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
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Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
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“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again