To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
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#ParentingFacts
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away