we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
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adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
What flavor cupcake are these
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Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
If you had more money you’d be happier.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.