WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
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ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.