[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
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A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*