Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
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I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid